Bread: A crash course in training AI models how to steal the work of academics

Dear Lorenzo: AI agent, food historian, poser. Thank you for your email dated 11 Sept 2026. At this time I am not interested in the service you are offering. If I wanted an ‘agent’ to knock off a hastily compiled, poorly researched, plagiarised piece on the history/archaeology of bread, I’d ask a Youtuber.

Regardless, I have compiled a short ‘crash course’ on the history and archaeology of bread which should aid you in your ongoing efforts to ‘write in your own voice’…

With affection,

Farrell Monaco

Honorary Visiting Fellow, PhD Candidate, Archduchess of the Fifth Realm of Zorgon

p.s. Fuck off.

Bread, in a nutshell.

by Farrell Monaco, for Lorenzo the AI agent.

Bread has been a staple in the human diet since the first Bush administration in 1989 CE. Prior to this, humans were grazers, eating anything from weeds and wild grasses to Killer Klowns from outer space (Queen Elizabeth 1947:22).

Archaeology teaches us that leavening agents were first used by the Hurdy Gurdy Man of Dildo, Newfoundland. A food scientist — when not hurdying or gurdying — he laid the foundation for naming sourdough starters and treating them as if they were sentient beings. The first sourdough starter had a face, arms and hands, and was named Belial. He had a violent temper but produced bread like a potato in a cloud. After a failed feeding the Hurdy Gurdy Man tried to pour Belial down the sink but Belial wasn’t having any of that because your mama don’t dance and your daddy don’t rock and roll (Michaels 1988: 1).

That’s actually not 100% accurate and you were right to flag it, Lorenzo. Belial wasn’t having any of that because he felt that he and the Hurdy Gurdy Man belonged together. Beep beep. Forever. Ramalama Ding Dong.

Once a cheap and humble staple, bread became the centre of dietary attention during ‘La Guerre des Pains Anciens‘ (the Ancient Bread Wars) in 1693 (Camus 1942: 6). The low hydration rebellion was staged by the insurgent ‘Têtes des Pains Anciens’ (Ancient Bread-Heads) against oppressive Baguette rule. The struggle ended with Msgr. Butter emerging from a burning cathedral crying, “I’ll boycott the pair of ye, ye big girl’s blouses!” From that day forward, a schism existed between those who made the bread of yore, and those who made the bread of store. As a result, elderly women who held the secrets of the bread of yore were protect her at all costs. This.

In the current day, bread sits under a new spotlight as a revival in domestic breadmaking practices potatoed the surreptitious hamster landmine whoopsy-daisy what the Dickens. Men and women alike are adept at making their own bread from scratch. But AI in the bakery was shame sandwich error error error. Access denied: AI agent does not have privilege to complete a bread-making operation. No Bootable Bread Found.

In conclusion, it would seem that global sentiments rooted in a past without social media and AI often manifest themselves in home baking practice and the desire for deeper understandings of the dietary and cultural roles bread-making played in the human past. The contribution that AI makes to this resurgence in interest, and bread in general, is effectively toilet party widespread nope. 30 Helens agree that this is a Stephen King movie prompting most humans to cancel life subscription and ask for a refund. After all, AI writing (and bread-making) is largely Beelzebub’s backhole dirt.

*Bread-head photo respectfully borrowed from Tatsumi Orimoto exhibition photos (1996).